Mental Mama

Day one of me trying to blog out my feelings. The ones I keep in and try not to let anyone else see because I don’t feel like anyone else should feel how I feel. In reality, it’s really day 500? 1000? 8272830472? Feels like it anyways. To get to the point, mental illnesses. I mean myself, my husband, my family, his family. Oh, and our 4 year old son. That is the point of my blog, my feelings, the utterly stressful, never-ending, rigid, strong, dreadful, guilt giving feelings I feel every day because my four year old has mental illness. He is four.

Guilt. Let me just start there. I blame myself constantly. Did I cause this? Why didn’t I notice it sooner so I could help him sooner? If I would have noticed it sooner, would he be as bad as he is now? Did I cause this? Everyone tells me no, but deep down there’s still some blame. Genetics maybe? Or being too hard on him because of a bad day? Not sure, but the guilt is there every damn day.

Whoops. My mind is heavy today. I started writing this last night to clear my head but ended up falling asleep trying to get Cheeky and Headly to bed. Yesterday was heavy; it was diagnosis day for Cheeky. I can’t find the words today other than heavy, mind fulfilling, sadness. We started medicine one today for cheeks. Let’s see how this goes.